Invincible
by Dutchie15
Summary: Just by the look on his face everyone knew everything they had tried had been unsuccessful. They didn't bring her back. No. She was gone. CaRWashCharacter Death!


**Title: Invincible.  
Disclaimer: I don't own them, because if I really owned them, I never would've done this.  
Summary: Just by the look on his face everyone knew everything they had tried had been unsuccessful. They didn't bring her back. No. She was gone. (CaRWash)(Character Death!)**  
**Warning: Major Character Death! I think it's worth the read anyway though.  
A/N: Serienjunkie 91, this would be the story you need to avoid ;) As promised in 'Never Let This Go', the fic where Calleigh will have to believe it, she goes to the other side. I swear to God this started out as a plan for THE most fluffy story ever. And then my fingers just typed and it turned into Angst. I scare myself sometimes. Way to begin the 2008 writing season. **

Song is Jesse McCartney's Invincible, which I think I should mention, was written by him when a close friend of his died in a car accident. It wasn't about a girl, but something like 'man' or 'dude' just didn't sound right. So it became babe. Which triggered me to write this.

* * *

He missed Boston, Ryan decided as he stared out the window of Valera's hallway. He missed experiencing a white Christmas. As a young boy he would play out in the snow all day during his holidays, scarf wrapped around his neck and hat tightly over his ears, his hands kept warm by the red gloves. He would do everything from making snow angels to having a snow fight with the neighbor kid, and go to bed that night with his toes still frozen, his dreams filled with white branches and the sensation of feeling a snow flake fall on his tongue. Now he was leaning his head against the cold glass of the window, looking out over the sober but snow-less view that was Miami in December. The 24th of December, to be exact.

In the living room he could hear Eric laughing. They were having the lab's annual Christmas party, for which Valera, as every year, had offered her house and hostility. He should be inside, making fun, having a drink and laughing with the rest of his teammates. But it wasn't the same. It would never be the same.

_I said don't do it babe  
Said it ain't worth it babe  
But you did it anyway  
Four or five drinks and you were on your way_

Because one year ago he had been at the same party, with the same people, together with Calleigh. His Calleigh. God, Calleigh…

She'd amused him and the rest of the gang so much by showing up in a Santa outfit, complete with red and white fluffy hat. He remembered laughing, laughing along with the rest but at the same time laughing because he thought she looked gorgeous but he knew he wouldn't have the heart to tell her. Laughing at himself, at his weakness.

The entire evening had been entertaining as anecdotes about each other and stories about pasts were spilled without regret. It must have been the day where his stomach had hurt the most from laughing. Little did he know it would hurt from butterflies racing through it later, too.

He met Calleigh in that very hallway somewhere during the evening, as she took a break from the busy living room. The same thing he had done minutes before. She stood next to him and they talked about the little things. They had been looking out this window, he thought as he pressed his fist against it, they had been looking out and talking about the stars.

And suddenly the stars in her eyes had sparkled more than usual and her lips had touched his. They were soft and moist against his, her body was warm and familiar in his arms. He knew exactly what had caused this sudden change in their behavior, in their relation, but it was too painful to think about. Way to painful.

And it didn't matter. They had been happy. She had been happy with him. He had made her happy. And he loved to see her happy. He loved her.

_September 1st, 2003  
It took the life right out of me  
Hung up the phone  
And raced out the door  
Broken_

But their time together had been short. For eight months they had been the happiest couple on earth. Eight months before that fatal day arrived, the day that put an end to her life, and took his in its fall.

When his phone rang, deep inside him he had already known. He knew it would be about her, even though it could have been anyone. He could've been called into work, his mother could've called to say hello, it could've been a phone selling agency trying to get him to buy a set of kitchen knives. But he knew it wasn't that. He didn't know who it would be, but he knew exactly what they would tell him. And he was right.

It had been Horatio.

_"Ryan…it's Calleigh."_

He had dropped the phone; had to control his shaking hands before he could bring the receiver back against his ear. He was told that Calleigh was in the hospital, that doctors were fighting to save her life, and that he should probably get to the hospital. If he wasn't in a shape to drive Horatio would come and pick him up. He declined. Waiting to be picked up would take too much time. Even though his hands were shaking the entire drive, and tears leaked down his cheeks unstoppable, he drove to the hospital on himself.

His mind was blank and yet all kinds of thoughts were going through his head. So many things at the same time, it felt like a nagging headache that would never stop pounding behind his eyes. His eyes were dull, empty, focusing on the road, seeing it, but not registering it. Later he realized how it was a miracle he didn't get into an accident himself, but his need to be with Calleigh must've lead him to the hospital safely. Intact on the outside, vastly falling apart on the inside.

_I tried to believe that it wasn't true  
But in my heart I always knew  
That being the life of the party would catch up to you  
Your family was waiting and crying for three damn hours_

In the hospital he arrived to a crowd. Her father, lifelessly sitting in one of the waiting room chairs, all color leaked out of his face, just a flicker from who he had been the last time Ryan saw him. Her brother Peter and his wife, Ryan thought her name was Judith. She looked distressed and was carrying their daughter Lisa. They had babysat her once, and talked about children when she was peacefully sleeping. Not that they were thinking of having children, not that soon. But it felt good to know how the other felt about the issue.

Horatio was standing in the corner, looking at him with compassionate eyes. Eric and Natalia were sitting on the waiting room bench in the other corner, Eric facing the floor, Natalia looking up at him as he entered. He swallowed and heard footsteps enter behind him. Faces of the people in the room rose up and he turned around, somewhere expecting to see Calleigh standing there, totally okay. But it wasn't Calleigh. It was Alexx. And she didn't look okay.

_"Alexx…what happened?"_

It was the only thing he could get out of his throat. He couldn't ask how she was doing because he was afraid he'd lose all hope. He desperately clung to the possibility that she would be alright.

_"Her blood alcohol level was over the limit.__ She probably never realized there was a corner in the road until…"_

He felt his stomach acid coming up in his throat. He felt sick, wanted to fall to his knees, cry and scream. How could she? With an alcoholic father that she had to pick up from bars many, many times… If there was one person he thought he'd never see drinking too much it was her. His hands were still shaking relentless, he wasn't in control of his OCD anymore. He didn't care.

_"Why would she do that?"_ Her brother asked. _"She despised alcohol, I don't understand."_

Ryan couldn't answer, he could just stand there, listen, try his best not to sink through his weak knees. He couldn't sit down, couldn't move.

_"We had a child murderer." _Horatio spoke. _"We needed one more piece of evidence to put him to trial but when Calleigh found it she unknowingly broke protocol and the defense made the judge declare the evidence inadmissible in court. They had to set him free. The mother of one of the murdered children came down to the lab to tell us exactly what she thought."_

The persons in the room all sighed. They all knew how Calleigh could and would blame herself for this. Ryan, however, blamed himself for this. He should've known. He had seen tears in her eyes, for a fraction of a second. He had shrugged it off as a playing of his mind but now he knew it hadn't been. She had been crying and he had let her go.

_I said don't do it babe  
Said it ain't worth it babe  
But you did it anyway  
Four or five drinks and you were on your way  
Everything__'s cool on the straight away  
But you took that turn doing eighty-five in a thirty-five  
Why babe?_

And he had spoken to her, when she came to tell him that she was going home. He had been right in the middle of testing so he would follow late, taking up a couple of over hours. He did see that something was up but he knew the case was a hard one for her; it was a hard one for all of them. They had talked, briefly, in the evidence locker where he was working.

_"I'm going."  
__"Alright. I want to finish this up before I leave."  
__"I'm not gonna wait up."  
__"That's alright. I'll see you at home."_

She had walked up to him, looking up at him, something in her eyes he couldn't quite place. He had smiled at her, reached his hand out to touch her cheek. The evidence locker might have been the only place in the entire lab where the walls weren't made out of glass.

_"Will you be okay on your own?"  
__"Yeah. Valera and I might be hitting town for a little."  
__"Don't worry about the case too much, alright?__ It was not your fault. The defense played a dirty game but we'll get him."  
__"I hope so."  
__"I love you."_

Leaning in, they had shared a kiss, not a quick one like usually when one went home, but a deep one. It wasn't something they did often at work, but she needed it, and he knew she needed it, and the door was closed anyway.

Little did he know it was the last time their lips would ever touch.

_Every time I'm home I pass that road  
Driving alone and the street feels cold  
Seeing your face yeah it's haunting me_

On his way to the hospital, on his way to the party, everyday on his way to work he had to pass the flowers next to the road. He had to take the corner she had missed. He had to face the memories, the nightmares. And every time he passed he saw her face in front of him, those tears in her eyes, and he wished he would've stopped her. Wished he'd have forced her to wait for him, even though she would have been mad at him. She might still have been alive, kissing him again as he wrapped his arms protectively around her waist. He felt like a failure. He felt like a failure still and had felt like a failure ever since Horatio called him that fatal day.

The day of the accident he hadn't even known that it was that corner she missed as he raced passed it to get to her.

In the hospital he had gone crazy not being able to see her. They were working on her; they were trying to save her. Her family and friends sitting there in the waiting room as Valera walked in crying loudly, Natalia standing up to hug her close. That second it hit him. She was going into town with Valera.

_"Maxine?"_

She looked up and started crying louder, breaking free from Natalia and launching herself around Ryan's neck. He let her, but didn't touch her, didn't hold her.

_"Ryan, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."_

Someone called out that it wasn't true. Ryan didn't say anything, let her talk.

_"I had no idea she had been drinking that much. I thought she'd had one or two beers. Maybe she had. Maybe she was just very sensitive to alcohol, I don't know. I should've stopped her. I should've told her to wait, should've called you."_

Ryan just shook his head, kept shaking his head the entire time. It wasn't true. It wasn't happening. It wasn't his Calleigh that had gotten into her car drunk and was now in the hospital, where doctors were trying to bring her back.

_"She was trying to get home before you got off shift so you wouldn't notice she'd been drinking."_

Valera's voice sounded distant. She was trying… She didn't want him to know what she'd done. She didn't want him to know. Why couldn't it have been him in that car?

_My mind goes crazy __trying to figure out  
Just where you'd be four years from now  
And what you were thinking when the lights came down  
The doctors were trying to save you for three damn hours_

He felt a tear leak down his cheek as he stood there, Valera still holding onto him and all eyes directed at him. He looked at Alexx for help, who nodded and pulled Valera loose from Ryan, instead holding her.

Ryan was battling in his own mind. He wanted to ask how she was doing, wanted to see her even though he knew it could be the last time, but then he didn't. He wanted to hope, pray that the doctors could do something and make it possible for him to see her in full glory again, alive and smiling. His visions was blurry, his cheeks wet. He knew everyone was looking at him but nobody dared to do or say anything.

_"Is she…"_

He couldn't even finish his sentence but they all knew what he meant. They were all wondering the same thing. Alexx looked him straight in the eye.

_"They're doing everything they can."_

That couldn't be a good sign. If it was looking hopeful she would've said something like 'she will be fine' or anything to reassure him. At that moment he knew all hope was lost, he knew he would never see her alive again. And he hoped that she knew how much he loved her, and how he wasn't mad at her. How he could never be mad at her, just like he could never stop loving her.

_"Okay."_

He looked to his right, where a window had been covered with blinds so they couldn't look in as doctors probably had her chest cracked open. Something that wouldn't have been a pretty sight, even though he was sure she'd still look beautiful.

It took hours, and the blinds stayed closed. And then the man in the white lab coat entered.

_I said don't do it babe  
Said it ain't worth it babe  
But you did it anyway  
Four or five drinks and you were on your way  
Everything__'s cool on the straight away  
But you took that turn doing eighty-five in a thirty-five  
Why babe?_

Just by the look on his face everyone knew everything they had tried had been unsuccessful. They didn't bring her back. No. She was gone. Calleigh Duquesne, the sunshine of the Miami Dade Crimelab, the love of his life was gone. Forever.

Tears had just stopped floating but the immediately started again. Behind him he heard Judith sob, Eric swear under his breath, but besides that it was silent.

_"Thank you doctor." _

Horatio broke the silence. Ryan felt like strangling him. Thank you? Thank you? The doctor had been unable to save Calleigh. It was his job; he should've saved his Calleigh. But inside he knew he couldn't blame the doctor. After all, he had just spent three hours or so trying to bring her back when obviously her time had come.

He still didn't think it was fair.

He turned around and looked at the persons in the room. The women were all crying, as was her father, without sound though. Eric was looking at the floor, Valera's head lying on his shoulder. Horatio was staring right at him and he had to bite his lip to control himself. They sat and stood there in silence for minutes, letting reality sink in. She was gone. They would never talk to her again, and every one of them was having a hard time believing that.

And the longer he was standing there, the more he thought he could've prevented this from happening.

_Who ever said that life was fair  
When you live without a care  
When you're invincible  
When you're invincible  
When you're invincible  
Who thinks about leaving when you're __living?_

She was buried five days later, exactly the way everyone thought she would've wanted to be buried. No people were invited that didn't know her well enough. There was no gun salute; because after Speedle's funeral and John's suicide, she had told them multiple times that she didn't want one, as much as she loved guns.

A few people spoke about her, all but one had to stop talking because they simply couldn't bear to. Horatio finished with the help of Alexx, who did their speeches together for everyone at the lab. Her father and brother both broke it off. And then it was his turn to speak. To tell the crowd what kind of person she had been, and how much he had loved her.

_"I'm expected to stand here, and tell you all what a wonderful and friendly person Calleigh was. But honestly, I don't want to do that. I don't want to tell you that she made the job worth it; I don't want to tell you that her smile could light up entire rooms and I don't want to tell you that she would have been a wonderful wife and mother. I don't want to tell you, because you all should know that already."_

He took a deep breath.

_"I feel like, on her funeral, I shouldn't be talking to you. I feel like I should be talking to her. Cal…"_

He broke down. Tears pricked in his eyes but he forced them back. They couldn't win. He wanted to, needed to say this.

_"Cal, I love you with all my heart, and… and I hope that you'll never forget that. I wish things could've been different. Things should've been different. It'll never be the same without you. You've filled up my life in a way I can't describe…so for that…thanks babe."_

He stepped away from the microphone, down from the platform. People wiped their eyes with handkerchiefs, stared at the ground or nodded slowly. He had said exactly what had been on all of their minds.

The unreality, the pain, the loss they were all experiencing felt like it would never go away.

_I said don't do it babe  
Said it ain't worth it babe  
But you did it anyway  
Four or five drinks and you were on your way  
__Everything's cool on the straight away  
But you took that turn doing eighty-five in a thirty-five_

And it never did go away. Two months later, at the lab's annual Christmas party, they were laughing, joking, but Calleigh was on all of their minds. Her death cast a shadow over all of their existences, but she would've wanted them to move on. Keeping her in their thoughts always, the continued their lives like they would have with her around.

Everyone except for Ryan. His live couldn't continue as it would have done with her still around. Because she was his life. He sighed and a thin layer of condensation covered up the glass, ruining his view.

He heard the door behind him open and Natalia walked into the hallway. She saw him and stopped dead in her tracks.

_"Ryan, I didn't know you were here."  
__"Not really in the partying mood."  
__"Do you need anything?"  
__"No thanks. I'd just like to be alone right now."  
__"I understand. I'll go back inside."  
__"Thanks Natalia."_

He missed Boston, he decided, but he would never be able to go back. He would…if it wasn't for her grave keeping him in Miami. He visited it every morning before he went to work and every evening before he went back home. He knew he would have to cut down eventually, he was wearing himself down this way, he was committing himself to her in a way that was emotionally intolerable, but the only time he felt truly alright was when he was kneeling in front of her grave, telling her about his day.

Now she wasn't with him anymore, she was more with him than ever. He felt her in everything he did. She was watching over him, had become his guardian angel, and he made a promise not to let her down. He missed her more every day, but he knew that when his day would come, she would be waiting for him on the other side. And that thought made him pull through. He didn't need a shrink, didn't need a friend. He had his Calleigh, and even though she died, she never really left him.

_I said don't do it babe  
Said it ain't worth it babe  
But you did it anyway  
Four or five drinks and you were on your way..._

* * *

_A/N: Happy New Year? Let's all cry together, and let's not kill the fanfiction writer. I can't write happy fluffy stories if you kill me now. (hides)_


End file.
